Monday, December 3, 2012

Letting Go

Writing for me has always been very therapeutic.  It's something I really enjoy.  I don't pretend to be good at it, but it helps me deal with things in so many ways.  As I casually mentioned in a previous post we recently went through a miscarriage.  I've had one before so I'm not a stranger to it and the emotions that come with it, but this time was particularly frustrating.  If you'll indulge me I just want to get out my emotions on paper and be done with it.

 We've been trying for quite sometime to have another baby.  I like to pretend that everything will happen when I want it to happen, but I apparently need some reminding that I don't get to pick and choose what happens in my life.  Sure, things can result as consequences to my actions, etc. but it's isn't necessarily for me to decide when/if another baby will join our family.  I know I'm ready.  I feel like there should be another little one here and have felt that way ever since I held Max in hospital.  I knew then that there would be another.

Here's where I'll probably give a little TMI but for the sake of record keeping and all...I had my yearly check up with my doctor in October.  I mentioned that we'd been trying for quite sometime and hadn't gotten results.  They decided with the inconsistencies in my cycle that I was most likely not ovulating and were going to put me on some medication to regulate everything.  He said I could start it right away and I left feeling glad that he was being so proactive about everything.

I immediately went and filled my prescriptions and when I picked them up it said all over the information DO NOT TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT.  I thought it was weird they didn't take a blood test just in case before having me start the medication and decided I wouldn't use it until I had my next period just to make sure.  Not to mention according the the ovulation tests I was showing that I was ovulating anyway. (Just a little info for you...those test show up that you're ovulating if you're pregnant.  I wasn't aware of that!)

About a week later on a whim I just decided to take a pregnancy test.  I figured there was no way I would know this soon if I had only been ovulating the previous week but those stupid things sitting around my house are really addicting when all you want is to be pregnant.  I took the test and have never been so shocked to see a positive result.  I was thrilled and even cried (not a typical reaction for me.)  I couldn't wait to tell Keith but wanted to tell him in person and he wouldn't be home until late that night.  I had a little secret all day that just kept making me smile.  There really is nothing like finding out you're pregnant.  When Keith finally made it home he was so surprised and so excited.  I've never seen him so cute about it.  Finally we were adding to our family again.

Not even a week later I woke up early one morning to go to the bathroom.  It was still dark out and I didn't turn on a light but I knew once I stood up that something wasn't right.  I turned on the light and my worst fears were confirmed.  I was bleeding pretty heavily.  I laid down and quietly cried to myself knowing that the outcome wasn't going to be in my favor.  It was still hours before I could call the nurse and there was nothing I could do about it.  I'd been here before, but I was crushed.  No matter how far along you are, once you see those 2 pink lines you're planning on a baby.

After I was finally able to call the doctor I left a message for the nurse and waited for her to call back. By this time I was no longer bleeding and thought that was odd and completely different from my previous miscarriage.  When she called back she didn't act like it was good or bad, just wanted me to come in that afternoon for an ultrasound.  I can't even being to tell you the agony and emotions that come with waiting for something like that.  I did not have a positive thought at all but kept holding on to a little hope where I was no longer bleeding that maybe something would work out.

At the ultrasound I was surprised to learn I was just barely pregnant, not even 5 weeks according to the size of the gestational sac.  I honestly didn't think that I could have had a positive result on a home pregnancy so early.  The tech said it was probably only implantation bleeding and where we could only see the sac and the yolk sac, it was just because it was so early.  I followed up with my doctor and he said things looked good, but put me on Prometrium, a progesterone drug that is supposed to help you from miscarrying.  I was so relieved to hear everything was okay.  I wanted this baby more than anything.  They wanted to do a follow up in 2 weeks to make sure everything was okay, but everything seemed good.

2 weeks went by where I took it pretty easy, but felt so positive about everything.  I had morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms which I thought were great signs.  I was never sick or really even felt pregnant with my first miscarriage.

It was finally time to go for the follow up and I was so excited to see a little blurb on the screen, get to see the heartbeat and know everything was okay.  I remember feeling so positive about everything.  I went in for the ultrasound and the tech checked everything out.  The baby had grown and could now be seen.  I thought that was great and then she tried and tried, but just couldn't find a heartbeat.  After measuring the baby too, it hadn't progressed as much as it should have in 2 weeks.  She just kept apologizing and I just kept saying it's okay.  I won't say that I felt numb, maybe just a little in disbelief.  Surely everything was okay?  I went to follow up with my doctor and had to wait awhile as he had gone to deliver a baby.  I sat alone and trying to stifle my emotions as I had to overhear people in the next room listening to a heartbeat.  Their baby's heart was beating, why wasn't mine?  I heard another woman complaining about finding out she was having her 4th boy.  I'd gladly take another wonderful little boy, I thought.  My doctor finally made it back and he told me he was concerned because this far along we really should be able to see a heartbeat via ultrasound.  He told me that he'd like to do a follow up in 1 week, but the outcome didn't look great.  I left utterly heartbroken and of course alone.  I hadn't had reason to be concerned when I went in this time and had of course gone by myself.  I finally was able to cry when I was alone in the car and just couldn't stop.  Why was this happening to me again?

I had absolutely no hope at that point.  It might sound awful, but I needed to prepare myself.  I'm sure somewhere hiding deep down inside of me there was a little glimmer of something, but I refused to let it be seen.  Everyone kept saying maybe things would be okay, I just needed to hope and be positive, I couldn't possibly know.  But know I did.  A few days later everything started to change, I was no longer feeling nauseous, no more tiredness, etc.  I knew because my body was telling me.  I just wanted to scream at everyone who tried to be so positive.  Didn't they know?  Didn't they know I couldn't hope because I already knew the answer?

A week later an ultrasound confirmed that there was no longer a fetus.  We could still see a yolk sac and gestational sac, but the baby had reabsorbed.  So strange to have seen a fetus and now none was there.  Again the tech apologized and I just said it was okay, I knew it anyway.  I didn't cry, I was prepared.  I wanted to tell all of those who said to hope that this is exactly why I hadn't.  Now I didn't need to feel anything about it.  I'd successfully mastered my feelings and now no one had to see that ugly cry I do when I'm so upset.  We followed up with my doctor and scheduled a D&C for the next day.  I was a little nervous.  I'd made it 28 years without have to be put under and have surgery.  Not to mention I absolutely loathed my birth experience with Max at Jordan Valley Hospital and that's where I have to go.

I didn't shed one tear that day or the next.  After as hard as I had tried to squash out that hope, I now felt a little off.  Maybe there was something wrong with me that I couldn't cry and get the emotions out.  I spent the rest of the day enjoying time with Keith while my wonderful step-mom had our kids.  I had YW in Excellence that night and felt fine to go.  It's just always easier to keep busy.

Surgery the next day went well.  I was surprised how good I felt and how easy the recovery was.  I was also thankful to have wonderful nurses this time at Jordan Valley and can't say enough how good to me they were.  I also learned that it is the strangest thing ever to be under anesthesia.  I remember them asking me where I lived and the next thing I know I'm waking up in a completely different room.  I secretly thought that it was really cool, I won't lie.  I also wasn't under for very long so it wasn't very hard to come out of.

It was a week before I really cried.  And I'd say mourned.  I mourned the loss of a child, maybe not one I had held, but one I had dreamed about.  One I had wanted so badly.  One I had wondered if they were a boy or girl.  One I had hopes for.  One I had longed for, for so long.  One I had tried so hard to protect.  One I had loved. 

I'm still angry.  I think I write this post in hopes that I'll be able to leave all of that anger here and move on.  I'm angry at people who are pregnant.  I'm angry at the millions of people who are suddenly announcing their pregnancies and are due in June, having the experiences I was supposed to be having.  I'm angry that when people don't know what to say they just tell me how they never had to experience a miscarriage.   I'm angry at my body.  I'm angry it can't seem to conceive.  I'm angry that it can't seem to do the job it was created to do.  I'm angry that after talking to my doctor about my cycles and miscarrying that I'm almost positive I had another miscarriage in September as well that I passed on my own making this one number 3.  I'm angry that I'll never know that for sure.  And I'm angry that I'm so angry about it all.  I'm blessed with 2 beautiful boys.  2 boys more than some people have.  2 boys who are amazing.  2 boys who each day since this experience I have grown to love and appreciate more and more.  2 boys who shouldn't have an angry mom.  I'm angry that I keep wavering between the fact that God has a plan for me and being angry at Him because I'm not perfect and keep forgetting that.  I'm angry I have yet to let go.

So this is my attempt at letting go.  At learning to be me again.  At learning to give it over to Heavenly Father and let him guide me on my path.  I saw the most beautiful picture yesterday that I can't get out of my mind.  Blogger is having issues and I can't post pictures at the moment, but please click this LINK and see this.  I need to Let Go(d).  I'd like to say I know there is another baby in my future.  I really and truly feel like there is, but I make no claim as to know when that might happen.  Hopefully soon like we were able to have Max after the first miscarriage, but I'm letting go.  If it is to happen, it will happen in God's time.  I will place all of my faith and trust in Him.  I will rely on Him to comfort me and lift me up, because I can't imagine crawling out of this hurt on my own.  I need Him and maybe needed this experience to realize just how much.  To realize that I can't make this journey on my own.  That I don't need to always be the strong one.  Through this trial He has placed so many people in my path to help comfort me and support me.  He has not left me comfortless.  He has not left me alone.   And He has given me the greatest eternal companion who has done nothing but be there for me through it all.  Has done nothing but hold me when I just can't stand and catch me every time I fall.  I've never been so incredibly and deeply in love with Keith than I am at this moment, and I thank my Father in Heaven for helping to guide me to him. 


Rheanna said...

This made me cry, there is absolutely nothing like the feeling of the joy of being pregnant to the realization that it's over. It's been over 9 years and I think about it still, but I promise it'll get a little easier as time passes. You're an amazing woman, I love you! You're in my prayers :)

Tori and Steve said...

That really sucks Janelle! Every crappy experience makes you stronger. I am glad you feel lucky to have the boys you do. It's nice to go home after that kind of experience and snuggle your little ones. But it still sucks. I've been there too. I know that doesn't help, but just know that feel your pain with you. Lots of love!! Tori

bpetersen said...

Love you! You are a beautiful writer, a wonderful mom and the best sister I could ever have!! :) And you know I'll do anything I can to help you out whenever you need me to! Even if you need me to just take the boys for a few hours! LOVE YOU!

Sharlee said...

I love you, Janelle. I'm always here whenever you need me! I think you expressed yourself wonderfully. Hopefully you start feeling better about it all soon, but the months after a loss are hard. Just know I'm here and all you're feeling is completely normal. You are an amazing mom, wife, and friend!

sam c.hart jr said...

You have hist the nail on the head in the last paragraph of your post. Jesus Christ wants us to turn to him and will be with us through our whole lives if we turn to him.

Sandy -- As Told By Mommy said...

Oh man. this is what comes of not reading your blog regularly. I'm so sorry Janelle. That is so hard. We had a miscarriage in February and I know all those feelings you are having. I actually felt/feel the same way...the anger at other people who are pregnant or having more babies (one friend who had her baby when I should have had was extremely hard and brought back all those feelings full force), the frustrations, confusions, and the same feelings of feeling angry even when I am blessed with Lincoln and if nothing else ever happened he should/could be enough. So I just wanted you to know, that I think its pretty normal to feel that way but I hope you are feeling better and I hope things work out soon. I love you a whole lot...even though we are far away and hardly talk, you have a big place in my heart. You always have. I'll be sending loves and prayers your way sweet cousin. :-) (I hope this helps you feel better and doesn't make you more upset...)