My boys

Love these boys! Even when I'm having a rough day they can always make me smile :) 

When you're tired....

Any old place will do!!!

 

Max was mad about staying home with Keith while I went to pick Gavin up from school. I told him he could just wait right there on the stairs. Guess he was a little too tired to stay awake :)

Letting Go

Writing for me has always been very therapeutic.  It's something I really enjoy.  I don't pretend to be good at it, but it helps me deal with things in so many ways.  As I casually mentioned in a previous post we recently went through a miscarriage.  I've had one before so I'm not a stranger to it and the emotions that come with it, but this time was particularly frustrating.  If you'll indulge me I just want to get out my emotions on paper and be done with it.

 We've been trying for quite sometime to have another baby.  I like to pretend that everything will happen when I want it to happen, but I apparently need some reminding that I don't get to pick and choose what happens in my life.  Sure, things can result as consequences to my actions, etc. but it's isn't necessarily for me to decide when/if another baby will join our family.  I know I'm ready.  I feel like there should be another little one here and have felt that way ever since I held Max in hospital.  I knew then that there would be another.

Here's where I'll probably give a little TMI but for the sake of record keeping and all...I had my yearly check up with my doctor in October.  I mentioned that we'd been trying for quite sometime and hadn't gotten results.  They decided with the inconsistencies in my cycle that I was most likely not ovulating and were going to put me on some medication to regulate everything.  He said I could start it right away and I left feeling glad that he was being so proactive about everything.

I immediately went and filled my prescriptions and when I picked them up it said all over the information DO NOT TAKE IF YOU ARE PREGNANT.  I thought it was weird they didn't take a blood test just in case before having me start the medication and decided I wouldn't use it until I had my next period just to make sure.  Not to mention according the the ovulation tests I was showing that I was ovulating anyway. (Just a little info for you...those test show up that you're ovulating if you're pregnant.  I wasn't aware of that!)

About a week later on a whim I just decided to take a pregnancy test.  I figured there was no way I would know this soon if I had only been ovulating the previous week but those stupid things sitting around my house are really addicting when all you want is to be pregnant.  I took the test and have never been so shocked to see a positive result.  I was thrilled and even cried (not a typical reaction for me.)  I couldn't wait to tell Keith but wanted to tell him in person and he wouldn't be home until late that night.  I had a little secret all day that just kept making me smile.  There really is nothing like finding out you're pregnant.  When Keith finally made it home he was so surprised and so excited.  I've never seen him so cute about it.  Finally we were adding to our family again.

Not even a week later I woke up early one morning to go to the bathroom.  It was still dark out and I didn't turn on a light but I knew once I stood up that something wasn't right.  I turned on the light and my worst fears were confirmed.  I was bleeding pretty heavily.  I laid down and quietly cried to myself knowing that the outcome wasn't going to be in my favor.  It was still hours before I could call the nurse and there was nothing I could do about it.  I'd been here before, but I was crushed.  No matter how far along you are, once you see those 2 pink lines you're planning on a baby.

After I was finally able to call the doctor I left a message for the nurse and waited for her to call back. By this time I was no longer bleeding and thought that was odd and completely different from my previous miscarriage.  When she called back she didn't act like it was good or bad, just wanted me to come in that afternoon for an ultrasound.  I can't even being to tell you the agony and emotions that come with waiting for something like that.  I did not have a positive thought at all but kept holding on to a little hope where I was no longer bleeding that maybe something would work out.

At the ultrasound I was surprised to learn I was just barely pregnant, not even 5 weeks according to the size of the gestational sac.  I honestly didn't think that I could have had a positive result on a home pregnancy so early.  The tech said it was probably only implantation bleeding and where we could only see the sac and the yolk sac, it was just because it was so early.  I followed up with my doctor and he said things looked good, but put me on Prometrium, a progesterone drug that is supposed to help you from miscarrying.  I was so relieved to hear everything was okay.  I wanted this baby more than anything.  They wanted to do a follow up in 2 weeks to make sure everything was okay, but everything seemed good.

2 weeks went by where I took it pretty easy, but felt so positive about everything.  I had morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms which I thought were great signs.  I was never sick or really even felt pregnant with my first miscarriage.

It was finally time to go for the follow up and I was so excited to see a little blurb on the screen, get to see the heartbeat and know everything was okay.  I remember feeling so positive about everything.  I went in for the ultrasound and the tech checked everything out.  The baby had grown and could now be seen.  I thought that was great and then she tried and tried, but just couldn't find a heartbeat.  After measuring the baby too, it hadn't progressed as much as it should have in 2 weeks.  She just kept apologizing and I just kept saying it's okay.  I won't say that I felt numb, maybe just a little in disbelief.  Surely everything was okay?  I went to follow up with my doctor and had to wait awhile as he had gone to deliver a baby.  I sat alone and trying to stifle my emotions as I had to overhear people in the next room listening to a heartbeat.  Their baby's heart was beating, why wasn't mine?  I heard another woman complaining about finding out she was having her 4th boy.  I'd gladly take another wonderful little boy, I thought.  My doctor finally made it back and he told me he was concerned because this far along we really should be able to see a heartbeat via ultrasound.  He told me that he'd like to do a follow up in 1 week, but the outcome didn't look great.  I left utterly heartbroken and of course alone.  I hadn't had reason to be concerned when I went in this time and had of course gone by myself.  I finally was able to cry when I was alone in the car and just couldn't stop.  Why was this happening to me again?

I had absolutely no hope at that point.  It might sound awful, but I needed to prepare myself.  I'm sure somewhere hiding deep down inside of me there was a little glimmer of something, but I refused to let it be seen.  Everyone kept saying maybe things would be okay, I just needed to hope and be positive, I couldn't possibly know.  But know I did.  A few days later everything started to change, I was no longer feeling nauseous, no more tiredness, etc.  I knew because my body was telling me.  I just wanted to scream at everyone who tried to be so positive.  Didn't they know?  Didn't they know I couldn't hope because I already knew the answer?

A week later an ultrasound confirmed that there was no longer a fetus.  We could still see a yolk sac and gestational sac, but the baby had reabsorbed.  So strange to have seen a fetus and now none was there.  Again the tech apologized and I just said it was okay, I knew it anyway.  I didn't cry, I was prepared.  I wanted to tell all of those who said to hope that this is exactly why I hadn't.  Now I didn't need to feel anything about it.  I'd successfully mastered my feelings and now no one had to see that ugly cry I do when I'm so upset.  We followed up with my doctor and scheduled a D&C for the next day.  I was a little nervous.  I'd made it 28 years without have to be put under and have surgery.  Not to mention I absolutely loathed my birth experience with Max at Jordan Valley Hospital and that's where I have to go.

I didn't shed one tear that day or the next.  After as hard as I had tried to squash out that hope, I now felt a little off.  Maybe there was something wrong with me that I couldn't cry and get the emotions out.  I spent the rest of the day enjoying time with Keith while my wonderful step-mom had our kids.  I had YW in Excellence that night and felt fine to go.  It's just always easier to keep busy.

Surgery the next day went well.  I was surprised how good I felt and how easy the recovery was.  I was also thankful to have wonderful nurses this time at Jordan Valley and can't say enough how good to me they were.  I also learned that it is the strangest thing ever to be under anesthesia.  I remember them asking me where I lived and the next thing I know I'm waking up in a completely different room.  I secretly thought that it was really cool, I won't lie.  I also wasn't under for very long so it wasn't very hard to come out of.

It was a week before I really cried.  And I'd say mourned.  I mourned the loss of a child, maybe not one I had held, but one I had dreamed about.  One I had wanted so badly.  One I had wondered if they were a boy or girl.  One I had hopes for.  One I had longed for, for so long.  One I had tried so hard to protect.  One I had loved. 

I'm still angry.  I think I write this post in hopes that I'll be able to leave all of that anger here and move on.  I'm angry at people who are pregnant.  I'm angry at the millions of people who are suddenly announcing their pregnancies and are due in June, having the experiences I was supposed to be having.  I'm angry that when people don't know what to say they just tell me how they never had to experience a miscarriage.   I'm angry at my body.  I'm angry it can't seem to conceive.  I'm angry that it can't seem to do the job it was created to do.  I'm angry that after talking to my doctor about my cycles and miscarrying that I'm almost positive I had another miscarriage in September as well that I passed on my own making this one number 3.  I'm angry that I'll never know that for sure.  And I'm angry that I'm so angry about it all.  I'm blessed with 2 beautiful boys.  2 boys more than some people have.  2 boys who are amazing.  2 boys who each day since this experience I have grown to love and appreciate more and more.  2 boys who shouldn't have an angry mom.  I'm angry that I keep wavering between the fact that God has a plan for me and being angry at Him because I'm not perfect and keep forgetting that.  I'm angry I have yet to let go.

So this is my attempt at letting go.  At learning to be me again.  At learning to give it over to Heavenly Father and let him guide me on my path.  I saw the most beautiful picture yesterday that I can't get out of my mind.  Blogger is having issues and I can't post pictures at the moment, but please click this LINK and see this.  I need to Let Go(d).  I'd like to say I know there is another baby in my future.  I really and truly feel like there is, but I make no claim as to know when that might happen.  Hopefully soon like we were able to have Max after the first miscarriage, but I'm letting go.  If it is to happen, it will happen in God's time.  I will place all of my faith and trust in Him.  I will rely on Him to comfort me and lift me up, because I can't imagine crawling out of this hurt on my own.  I need Him and maybe needed this experience to realize just how much.  To realize that I can't make this journey on my own.  That I don't need to always be the strong one.  Through this trial He has placed so many people in my path to help comfort me and support me.  He has not left me comfortless.  He has not left me alone.   And He has given me the greatest eternal companion who has done nothing but be there for me through it all.  Has done nothing but hold me when I just can't stand and catch me every time I fall.  I've never been so incredibly and deeply in love with Keith than I am at this moment, and I thank my Father in Heaven for helping to guide me to him. 

Bittersweet

Today I was released from Young Women's.  I knew the day was coming and wasn't very surprised when Brother Roden started calling us out of mutual on Tuesday.  I've thought for a little while that it was time.  I was exhausted, going through some personal things, and it was still hard with Keith's schedule and the boys.  I knew it was time, but it's so hard to let something like that go.  I've never had a harder yet more fun and rewarding calling.  I have loved all of the girls so much and have been thrilled to watch them grow and learn.  They are so amazing...I've said that so many times how i just can't believe how amazing they are.  I was truly blessed to get to know them and to work with some of the most fantastic women.  I don't know that I can actually sit here and write my feelings at this time because I feel quite emotional about it, but I wanted to document this day for my records.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to leave these girls and despite being "free" this Tuesday night, I know I'm going to feel a little bit "empty".  I know the women who will now be with our girls will be fabulous.  They are all amazing and I know that at this time it is what the girls will need, but I can't help feeling slightly jealous.  Jealous of the time they will get to spend with them, and jealous of the way the girls will grow to love them.  It sounds silly, but really, it was a great calling for my self esteem :)  To feel so loved by so many girls was great.  I am also so sad to not be working with my dear friend Karen anymore.  I was so sad to lose Mistie when they released her last year and was so worried who they would replace her with.  I waited a long 4 months for someone too and glad that for whatever the reason I had to wait, I did and was able to work with Karen.  I know that my Heavenly Father knows me and put 2 wonderful women in my path to get to know as friends and to work with.  Sometimes I wonder how much the calling was really for me to be there for the girls or for them and my advisers to be there for me.  I'm sure it goes both ways in so many aspects.  For whatever the reason I know my Father in Heaven truly loves me and watches out for me just as he does for the young women.  I also need to thank my sweet friend Susan.  I honestly could never have done this calling without her.  There were so many times she took the boys for me when Keith was working and I hope that she knows just how much that meant to me.  It was not an easy thing for me to have to worry about and so many times she just would offer and not even wait for me to ask.  All of that help meant the world to me.  This is really all I can say for now and maybe will be able to write more when I feel a little less emotional about things. 

Just a couple quick pictures of randomness

Yep...this year was the big election year. So glad it's over and happy that I'm not hearing so much unrest between people.  I don't know if it was the wide range of social media now in use or because our country is in such a crappy economical state but it seemed as though this was the most heated election I've been able to remember.  Needless to say...I did my part and voted.  Not that it really matters in Utah.  Our votes don't seem to make a difference and you can pretty much guess which way they're going to go.

Roxy is getting bigger and we needed to get her a bigger kennel.  I need to mention how much nicer it is to have a dog that we kennel trained instead of one who ran the show lol.  However, this new kennel provides lots of room for Roxy's "brothers" to hang out with her.

I was at Brittani's for her birthday and sent her and Chris out while I stayed with the kids.  It hadn't been a very good day for me but I snapped this picture of my 2 buddies who can always cheer me up :)  And for the record...Brittani did NOT choose this haircut for Paisley.  She decided to be her own hairdresser FOR THE SECOND TIME!!!!  What a stinker!  The best part was Max giving Pais a lecture on how we don't cut our hair, only paper.  It was all on his own too, no prompting.  Thankfully it doesn't seem as though I'll ever have to worry about Max and the scissors :)

I went to Gavin's parent teacher conferences for the first time.  His teacher said they had an assignment to draw a picture and then try their hardest to write something about it all on their own.  She wasn't exactly sure what this said.  I wasn't either, but then I asked Gavin and it made perfect sense.  "Mom had a baby."  How cute is that.  The irony is he had no idea I was pregnant and had just found out the day before that I was going to miscarry as they couldn't find a heartbeat.  That brought on another round of tears for sure.  (I'm sorry if you read this blog and didn't know.  Please don't feel the need to send your condolences.  I'm doing ok.  Maybe I'll blog about it eventually.)

Paisley spends lots of time with us when Mommy is at school.  Somedays she really misses her and we have to send pictures to her. 

We had our first big snowstorm and the boys were in HEAVEN.  Gavin didn't even have time to be included in this picture he was out the door so fast once those snow clothes were on!

The boys had a sleepover at Aunt Britt's and she sent me this cute picture of Max falling asleep. 

Naturally Gavin had to pretend he was sleeping for a picture too!  I love it!

Real soccer game

 Craig and MaryAnn invited us to go to a Real (Ray-Al for those who don't live in Utah and have never heard of the team) Soccer game with them!  It was sure fun and Gavin was excited to see a real game.  He'd been with Keith when he was younger but couldn't remember it.  This was my first time at a Real game.  It was really fun!  Not mention the fun we had with Craig, MaryAnn and boys. Max stayed with a sitter and that made it nice too...I don't think he would have enjoyed it as much.  The best part was Carson wore his Halloween costume.  Carson is SOOOOO into soccer and he loves Real.  He was Kyle Beckerman for Halloween and had his crazy hair wig on.  You should have seen this kid get into the game!  I wish I had gotten a better picture of him.  He was too cool for words :)

You can't really tell, but that's Carson in the wig :)

Deer Hunt 2012

Yep.  The only time I will post about a deer is if Keith gets one, so I suppose you know what's coming.  I'll admit, the deer hunt is not my favorite time of year, but I try to overlook that and remember that Keith enjoys going with his brothers and dad.  I guess I should be thankful that he is not completely obsessed with hunting like a few of his brothers, but then there is always the fear that he'll actually get one and I'll be forced to eat deer meat.  The kids saved me last year when they left the big freezer door open before we went camping and the small deer Keith had gotten ended up all being worthless.  Ok that did kind of suck as it was a waste of money, but there wasn't any eating of the deer meat.  This year, there will be plenty!  I'll have to buck it up and just be glad that he mixed all the ground stuff half and half with ground beef to make it taste better.  It also means that because his taxidermy guy was going to be out of town and he wants to do a European mount on his deer that I have a dead deer head sitting in my freezer in the garage.  Go ahead and say it...I am the ULTIMATE wife :)

The proud hunter....

I should also mention that I'm glad all of the cutting up, skinning etc. takes place and Mom and Pops' house!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monkey Cake for Kirra and a little Phineas and Ferb on the side

My sis in law Mandy needed help with a cake for Kirra's birthday.  I was only to happy to help her out.  Mandy is so cute and really wants to learn cake decorating.  If anyone can it's her and I'm pretty sure she'll be the next Cake Boss.  We spent a fun night together while the guys were hunting and the kids played well.  Not to mention we ended up with a super cute cake!  Mandy honestly did most of the work while I just bossed her around :)

Then the following week my friend Karen and I made a Phineas and Ferb cake for her daughters birthday.  It turned out so cute! 

WTF

Gavin is so into writing.  He is loving school and doing so well.  We've been working on reading and sounding things out.  The other day he brought me this paper.  I looked and it and tried really hard not to laugh.  People and their texting, acronyms these days have given meaning to the abbreviation of WTF.  We'll just go with "what the freak?" for those of you who may not know this one.  So he brings me this paper....

 Mom and Alan were visiting and none of us could stop laughing.  I asked Gavin what it meant and he said, "Duh, Won, Two, Free!"  Yep, he had sounded it all out to put the correct first letter with the number :)  He was so proud!

Where's Max?

There has been no shortage of times that my kids have randomly gone missing in the house.  Not sure why either since my house isn't that large!  Almost every time this has happened it's because they have fallen asleep somewhere they shouldn't have.  Can you find Max?

There he is :)

End of soccer season

I'm going through some older pictures and realizing that I've missed blogging some things.  We had a great end to Gavin's first soccer season!  He really enjoyed playing and enjoyed Uncle Craig as his coach with cousin Adalie on his team.  For their final game Grandma and Grandpa Smith headed over to watch them play.  It was a double bonus for them having 2 grandkids on the team!  I didn't take a lot of pictures the last day but did get a quick shot of the cousins with the grandparents.  Gavin also scored a great goal the last game and was so proud!  I think MaryAnn has it on film, I'll have to check with her.  He did great for his first time and seemed to enjoy it aside from the minor issues that only Gavin would have :)  He likes to complain a lot about random things and soccer was no exception.  (I.E. It's too sunny.  Or my personal favorite, "The other kids are RUDE!  They're taking the ball from me!"  He had to be reminded that it was what the other team was supposed to do!)

Grandma and Grandpa with Gavin and Adalie

High fiving the other team

He was pretty excited about his trophy :)

Looking forward to more years of soccer!  (At least I hope because that's one sport I don't mind watching!)

Grandma's House

We had a little time tonight and headed out to Keith's parents.  The kids like visiting not only to see the grandparents, but they like the toys that are different then the ones they always play with at home.  Tonight more than anything they just kept wanting Grandma to read stories to them!  Gavin kept handing her book after book and Max just had his favorite he kept asking her to read.  It was sweet to sit back and watch the boys enjoy their grandma.  We got about halfway home and cute Max said, "Mom, I miss Grandma."  What a sweetheart.

Family Pictures 2012

We finally got some updated family pictures! I'm always waiting for that moment when I suddenly won't be so chubby, but I really think it's important to have a picture to remember us at that moment, no matter what the case. I'm so pleased with how they turned out and just love, love, love my sweet little boys! They were so good for the session and such cheesers :) We LOVE Fotofly!  This is only a smattering of what we ended up with!

This melts my heart and was Gavin's idea for a pose :)

My very favorite of Gav

I LOVE this one of Max!

Soccer Star

Gavin has started playing soccer this year!  A few of his cousins are really into soccer and my sis in law MaryAnn called to see if we thought Gavin would want to play on Craig's team this year.  He plays on the same team as her daughter Adalie and it has to be about the funniest thing to watch!  They are so cute and I'm pretty impressed with his team...all the kids just get right in there and try hard.  The first team they played was sooooo tiny.  The second team that they played was so funny to watch.  The kids were not really into it at all...there was one kid that just kept running out of the game telling his mom he really didn't want to play!  Gavin really seems to enjoy it and despite his seemingly lack of coordination (LOL I'm sure it will come!) he scored his first goal the 2nd game!  He was so cute, and I was definitely a proud soccer mom!  He has come home from school most days and asked if he could go in the backyard to practice his soccer.  Secretly I really enjoy soccer because it means I get to see Craig, MaryAnn and the kids more often :)  His team is the "Blue Sharks".  I'm sure I'll post another round of pictures eventually, but this one was after their little clinic they had.  Way to go, Gav!

Mother and son Date "Knight"

Our local Chick Fil A was hosting a mother/son date "knight" this past week. I found out about it like the week before and luckily they had 2 reservations left, so I called up my sweet sis in law MaryAnn and booked us some reservations. I had no idea what to expect going into it. There really wasn't a lot about it, they just said it would be a memorable night for you and your son(s). If nothing else, who doesn't love eating their food, LOL. We were pleasantly surprised with the events held. I'm sure it just got a lot of people in to buy their food, but they really did have to spend time planning the event and paying some of the entertainment. They had a little craft area where the kids could make a "fire-breathing" dragon. Another station where they wrote a note to their mom and then tied it up like a scroll. They also had some balloons tied up like swords, a shield to decorate and a magic show. A lot of the stuff was definitely for younger children (so the boys loved it!). I enjoyed the photo thing they did where they dressed the boys up like knights and put me in a crown and robe and took a picture of us together. We haven't received it yet so I'll have to add it when we get it. All in all, it was a fun event and just something different to do. I don't get out enough and do fun things with the kids. I need to be better about being less of a homebody!

Don't my sweet nephew look thrilled?  LOL

Max was terrified of the cows they had dressed up.  Go figure since he was fine at Disneyland LOL