Tonight I had my little recipe club thing. A bunch of us get together and we rotate host each month. There is a theme and then each person is assigned something...i.e. appetizer, dessert, paper products, etc. Lucky for me it was my turn for the paper products! But that's not what this whole blog is about.
Driving to pick up Gavin from his grandma's I was thinking...scary I know. I felt so guilty because I was thinking about how fun it would be to not have to go home and be responsible. My sister in law was with me and I really just wanted to go play and not have to think about my messy house, or putting someone to bed, or what needed to get done. Honestly, I was really struggling with those feelings. It's really hard for me to admit on here that I struggle, but my sister in law assured me that we all do. I kept asking myself why being "just a mom" didn't seem to be enough.
As soon as I walked into my in-laws, I knew all I wanted was to be "just a mom." Gavin was sitting in a kitchen chair with his sippy cup and some cheerios all by himself watching TV. He looked like he'd grown about 4 inches in the 3 hours I was gone and my whole body honestly and truly ached until I finally reached him and held him in my arms. I can't even described the intense emotion I was feeling although I am sure any mother, or father for that matter, knows exactely what I mean. How I had missed him and everything about him. How grateful I am that I have everyday to spend with him. How grateful I am that he constantly wants to be with me and follow me around. How grateful I am that he wants me when he is hurt or sad. How grateful I am that he belongs to me and is my responsibility. How grateful I am to take care of him and tuck him into bed at night. I can't imagine missing those things. I know I am not "just a mom" but so much more. I am Gavin's mom.